Hello, welcome back to the ADHD Owned Podcast: A podcast for ADHD entrepreneurs. So I am so excited to finally be back. I'm so sorry for the delay in getting a new episode out. If you heard the last episode, I was super sick, I was very nasally and I had well it turned into a sinus infection that just took forever to get better from. I actually just finally this week started getting better. So as soon as I realized my voice somewhat sounded back to normal, Mike, awesome, let's go. So today, we're going to be talking all about perfectionism, which is something that I have seen that ADHD or struggle with so much, oh, my goodness. And I will even dare to say that women ADHDers struggle with this a little bit more than the men is what I have found. Obviously, everyone struggles with it. But I've just found that that pattern is a little bit more prominent in the women for many reasons. So we're going to get into why this happens. We're going to get into what it looks like. And then I'm going to be sharing at the end some of my tips for you guys, on how I manage my perfectionism and like, move myself past it. That's what this episode is about. So let's go straight in. First off, why do ADHD or struggle with perfectionism, what is perfectionism? So if you can say that you are detail oriented, when it comes to things that you're interested in, that you take pride in, or things that really matter to you? A lot of the times when I would say, you know, ADHD ears can also be perfectionist, a lot of people would be like, Oh, no, not me, I'm fine with doing things just half assed, you know, like, I'll do the dishes. But you know, I won't go all the way. I'm not talking about perfectionism in every single aspect of your life. Because, yeah, that that's just not it, it's more so the things that we actually really care about. So this is kind of good and bad, because it's something that we truly care about, we really want it to be good. And that's really where it stems from, we have a very high standard for ourselves of what we expect to deliver. So this is where perfectionism can get really tricky, and can really affect us, for example, my husband, he is I would not say he's a perfectionist, overall, but he is a perfectionist when it comes to the things that he really cares about, like his work, like here in the house, he is the average dude, you know, like I'm picking up after him. You know, he puts the clothes right by the hamper. Or, you know, like, he doesn't restock the toilet paper, but he puts it right by where the toilet paper supposed to go. You know, just like I feel like this is a dude a thing. Well, actually, some of us ADHD ladies can be like this too. So let me not say to do thing, but he's very much like that. Not very clean or organized. Well, clean, yes, but not very organized. So that's what I get to see. But it wasn't until I saw like the work side of him that I was like, Who is this because his like area at work. And he has like a you know, like a bag with all of his stuff that he needs for work, that bag is so organized, like all of the compartments are perfectly organized, he knows exactly where everything is like, if something is misplaced or not in its place he like has an aneurysm and goes off. So these are this is just one example of being a perfectionist with ADHD when it comes to things that we really like. So I'm not talking about an overall Okay, so perfectionism really happens for a few reasons. And some of these may apply to you. And some of them may not. Also, I have to say I'm not a mental health professional. This is just based off of my experiences and being an ADHD community and being surrounded by ADHD ears, and kind of hearing the feedback and what we all go through collectively. So just wanted to put that out there. Okay, so it has to do with us having really high unrealistic standards sometimes. Because this comes from living in a very neurotypical world, a very normal brain world when we have very different brains. Because this is something that we have had to live through our whole life we end up adopting really high unrealistic standards. Meaning you know, we look at some of these videos of people that go through their day for example, maybe they go through like what their day looks like. And you see them like get up at five in the morning to go work out and then you see them take 20 minutes to read outside and then you see them making a like a smoothie and then you see the finally getting to work and Having this super cute planter all organized, and then you see them hanging out with friends at night. And like they do all of these perfect things. And like that is our standard of what we think our life should look like. Like, we don't think we're doing a good enough job until it starts looking like that. And that's so wrong and like a bit toxic for us. Because that's not what our life has to look like. That's what their life looks like. That's what their brain and their body and energy can keep up with and what it needs. But that's not what you need. If that's not what you feel is right for you. That's just one example. But for example, I see a lot of business owners, entrepreneurs, trying to run their business based off of what they see other people doing, and based off of how they see them running their business, like you see people, you know, sending out seven emails a month. So you think that's what you have to do you see people starting their business this way, this way, this way. And you're like, Well, I'm not really starting from the beginning, I'm kind of starting here. And then once I started here, I realized I needed to pivot. And then I pivoted, and then I didn't have a website for a few months. And some people get the website first. And some people could do the branding first. And I just feel like, and it's just we compare the way we are doing things to how we see other people doing them thinking it is the quote unquote, right way. So I'm here to tell you, you don't have to do that. You can do it your way. It's your journey. And also, let me remind you, it's your business, you can run your business, however the heck you feel like running your business, it's not always going to be a linear, perfectly crafted journey for you. That is one thing that I've seen is that we just have really high standards, especially because remember, I said it's usually something we care about deeply. We take pride in something we're good at something we're really interested in. So we want it to look the best. And sometimes we have an image in our brain of what the best looks like. Like we have an expectation of vision of what it should look like and what it can be. And it's sometimes it's hard to live up to that the first thing you have to do is question that vision or question that expectation that you have, is it realistic? And is it needed? Like? Is that actually what you are looking for? If you're putting something out that's going to serve people? Is that what they need? Or do you just want it to look all fancy and pretty with bells and whistles? Because that's just what you feel like it should look like, based off of how other people do it, you see what I'm saying? So if it's for that, that reason, like well, that's just how everyone else does it. Everyone has a Kajabi. And everyone has their course on a beautiful platform and blah, blah, blah, like that's not needed, though. You're comparing your step one to their 2000 176. Okay, so let's not do that everyone starts off somewhere. So if that's your expectation, like, that's your standard of what you want, then we need to start there, we need to alter that center to something that's more doable and more realistic for what you're trying to provide or what you can provide in this moment. Okay, that's gonna be the first step, we're going to start with what is your standard, because sometimes our perfectionism is not going to allow us to, like, take action or get anything out. Because we don't feel like it's going to meet that standard. And we're trying so hard to make it meet that standard. But we don't have the resources, the time the energy, we don't have the capability to do it at that level yet, right. So that's what I want you to think about. Okay, another thing we do is, we just want to get it done right the first time to save us later from having to do it again, and having to fix any mistakes. And I have found that US ADHD ears, like really struggle with this of like wanting to get it done right the first time. Why? Because we have seen ourselves, quote, unquote, fail or, you know, do something wrong, or not do it the best way learn from that mistake. And then we want to protect ourselves from having to go through that again, and one wanting to get it done the first time, the right way. And you would think that this is a good thing, right? But it's actually not because it stops us and puts a lot of pressure for us to get it right. And that's just a lot of pressure for us to hold on. So of course your brain is going to retaliate and be like, Oh, this is too hard. I just want to keep scrolling social media. That's just, that's just what we're going to do today. Okay, we're just gonna sit on this couch. And we're gonna scroll on social media all day. Because trying to get this done the first time that's too much pressure. So we end up feeling like we got to learn from our mistakes, and we have to make sure that this doesn't happen again. We've got to get it right. Because if not, we're gonna feel stupid again, and it's going to be our fault. And these are kind of some of the voices in our head, or maybe even some of the subconscious ones that we go through. I find that I saw this so much in my father growing up. He also has ADHD like all of them, super hyper. And he was just always trying to prevent things So preventative. And it was it was to the point where it was very annoying. Because we're like, Dad, it's fine. Like, that's not going to happen. Because he'd be like, well, what if this happens, and like, you never know what's going to happen. So we should just grab the gas tank now. And we should fill up now because you just never know what's going to happen. And like he was saying this in like springtime, like getting prepared for like, what hurricane season or something. And it was like, that's like months down the road. Like, that's just a silly example. But over preparing and wanting us to, like, save ourselves from having to do it again, it really puts a lot of pressure on this and really holds us from taking action. So I want you to be aware of this next time. I learned this from an awesome ADHD coach, and she taught that there is no right or wrong, there's just decision and and decision. Well, I'm not sure she phrased it that way. But that's, that's how my brain took it. So there is no right or wrong, it's just you make a decision, there's two paths in front of you left or right, are you just gonna stand there for five days deciding which one could be you don't know, you can't see in the distance, you literally have no idea where it can take you until you've actually taken some steps to see where it goes. So you could spend five days thinking about analyzing, predicting, and trying to do all of this stuff, gathering information, you could do all of that for five days, and state completely, still no action. Or you could just pick left, and go left, and then realize, oh, yeah, this was a path. Good job. Sweet. Now you're on your way. Or it's, oh, shoot, this is a dead end. Okay, it looks like we're gonna have to go back and write is actually the right way to go. And then you go back and you go, right, and it takes you five days it took you like three hours or something. So sometimes taking a decision making a decision, moving taking action is the next step. The next step is not trying to analyze and predict and what if this happened, and I wonder if they're gonna like it like this, or all of that it's just procrastinating, which we're going to talk about in a few seconds, because, well, let's talk about it. Perfectionism turns into procrastination. So sometimes there's this stigma that procrastination is just being a lazy bum. And it's just like, lack of will and lack of not caring enough. But for us, ADH years. And actually, for a lot of people, sometimes it's just perfectionism, because we want it to be perfect. And then we look at the what we expect the level of energy that this thing needs. And then we look at our current energy levels. And we look at where we currently are. And we're like, yeah, no, like, that doesn't match. I'm not there yet. I'm, I'm not feeling that high energy today. And I need a lot of focus to do this. So then turns into procrastination. You keep putting it off until you feel like there's a moment where you're like, okay, yes, I'm excited. I'm motivated. I have full focus. I'm thinking clearly this is the right moment, right. So that's how perfectionism can turn into procrastination. And I feel like this can be really validating for so many of you, that are just coming down on yourself being like, Oh, why can't I just move past things? Why can I get things done. And it's this core root of perfectionism. Another thing that happens is that we think we need more information, we need more research. And we get stuck in this info research phase. Because we think we're being wise by making sure we have all the research and all the information we need before making any steps. But sometimes, oftentimes, our ADHD brains can get stuck in this phase, because it's somewhat really just avoiding taking action. Like it's really just stalling. So there's this word that I don't know who came up with it, but it's called progress. tivity, obviously, not an official term, but it's when you're procrastinating, but you're still kind of being active. And that's kind of when you are just info dumping yourself, and you're going down the research rabbit hole, and you're looking at what other people are doing and how you can make it better. And you're taking all this info, which I'm not saying is not needed. Some of that is definitely needed. And you should most definitely do that first. But you shouldn't stay in that stage for way too long. And that's what ends up happening is we think, I don't know, I just I haven't explored all of the facets and areas of this topic. So I need to do more research before I can finally put something out. So this happens to a lot of us. So at the end here, I will give you some tips that has to do with that point. And then lastly, I'll say another of the main common things that comes with perfectionism. I'm sure there are others but these are just some of the main ones is fear of rejection or fear of disappointment. You disappointing yourself or you disappointing someone else. And that's really what stops us. from taking action, it's really just we're scared that like, Okay, if I do this, but if I don't do it right, like, what will happen, they won't like it, I'll get a bad review, or, you know, I'll disappoint myself. And I'll feel like I just wasted my time. And then I'll go down, you know, like a pity party. And I just don't want to go there again, you know, we just kind of go through all of these thoughts of like, what could happen, what ifs, and it's scary, sometimes it's scary to make moves and take action. And that's why we tend to want to stick to the little details. And that's really what it is when we're trying to perfect and be way too detail oriented. It's really just a stalling, because we're scared to take the next steps for all of these reasons that we've talked about. Okay, so perfectionism most definitely stops you from taking action. And the problem here is also that oftentimes we look at it like, it's not that bad. Like, we think it's an okay thing to do, because, oh, well, I'm just needing to do more research. That's why I'm not taking steps four, oh, well, I just want to get it right this time, so that I don't waste more time and then have to come back to do it, you know, or oh, well, I just, I needed to be like, I already have a vision, like, I already have a goal of what I want it to look like. So I'm making sure that it's going to meet that goal. And like we have these like, quote unquote, excuses as to why we're not taking action, why we're getting stuck in perfectionism. That's why we think it's okay. And we keep doing it for days, weeks, months, years, even. So that's what I see is a big problem with perfectionism. Because when you're procrastinating something, or quote unquote, being lazy, we're not really excusing that. We're just saying, like, yeah, man, I was just, I waited till the last minute, or I was just really lazy today, I was so unproductive, we can be aware of it, we can acknowledge it, we're not very proud of it. But for some reason, when it comes to perfectionism, it's like, we're almost proud of it. Like, we think we're doing a good thing. When we're really we're just kind of lying to ourselves, or not really seeing how much this is actually affecting our project or work, whatever we're trying to get out. So I want you to like, just make yourself aware of that is that perfectionism really is stopping you from taking action, whether your business and a project, whatever it is, do not use those tactics to use them as an excuse to not get things done. Oh, lastly, I want you to think about before I go into some of the tips, I want you to think about what is the consequence or the result of you not putting this out, and you kind of allowing the perfectionism to continue happening. So I can list off, some of the things that could happen is if you are stuck in perfectionism, you're wanting to make a quote unquote, perfect and just write, then you might get really frustrated with yourself, because you know that you're not making any progress. And that might be so frustrating. And especially if there's other things going on in your life, that that might be enough to stop you from taking action, that might be enough to like, kill that project right then and there. And you end up not doing anything with it, which is not good. And if you're doing this for your business, you know, and say you're trying to put out like a new course, or a new offer, or putting out a new product so people can buy that, you know, is going to be like the solution to many people's problems. And you know, it's going to really, really help people and you have all the tools and you have all the knowledge in your brain, but you're just trying to get it out. If you do not put this out and you allow the perfectionism to continue to happen, you end up not helping those people, which in a way continues to hurt them. Because that problem, those struggles that they're going through, there's no hope for them. There's no solution for them, because you were supposed to be doing that, right. And I know that sounds like a lot of pressure. But in a way like you have a business to help people, right. None of us here have a business just to make money that is secondary, the money is not important. What's important to us. And when we feel fulfilled, is when we see how much of an impact our business can have. When we see that it helped people that it made people happy that it helped them in a situation that they're not struggling anymore, right. So if we get stuck in perfectionism, and we allow all of these things to happen, then we don't get to do that. We don't get to help people. And that's something that I'm not willing to do, because I am 100% committed to the people that I'm serving, which is you guys. I am so committed to that, because I know that I have the tools that can help people. So when I look at it from that point of view, it really helps me to move past my perfectionism because I'm like, okay, you know what, I just need to get this done because it's going to help people either way, have you ever seen like a musician or an artist say, you know, you look at their art, you look at their music, you're like, oh my gosh, that is so good. I love this. I love this part about it. And they're like, Yeah, I know, but I didn't use the right pencil so it didn't come out as good or Oh yeah, I kind of messed up in this par, and you like, absolutely could not have seen that, like you would have never seen it had they not pointed it out, or maybe you're still struggling to see what they're talking about, right? Because it's only us the creator that really judges things in that way and we can see what it quote unquote could be. But the people you're delivering things to the people that you are trying to serve and help with whatever you're trying to do, they're not going to see it that way. Right. So sometimes, that's what I'm saying, we put too much pressure on some of the details that do not matter, you're gonna feel like you're gonna waste time and potential that you have there if you allow perfectionism to continue to happen. And you may even end up disappointing someone right? Like, if you didn't meet the deadline, or if you rush to get it out because you procrastinated, try to perfect it for so long, and then you know, the deadlines almost up, then you end up disappointing someone or not looking good in front of a client or something. Those are some of the reasons that you should not let perfectionism when you should not give it more of your energy and time. So let me show you quickly, what are some of my tips to help you move past perfectionism? Okay, here are some hope for you guys. Okay, step one, adopt a mantra I like Done is better than perfect. Or I also use messy action. So I like to remind my brain this and like engrave it in my brain, like Don is better than perfect, Jesse, it's fine. Just put it out. Just click Send right click upload, sometimes really done is better than perfect. Because trying to make it perfect. Sometimes ends up never happening, and we never put it out there. So Done is better. Adopt a mantra, find one that works for you. And repeat it back to yourself when you catch yourself being all perfectionist and detail oriented. And it's actually halting you from taking action. That's the moment when you say, Done is better than perfect. Let's go. Let's just do it. Let's move on. Okay, second thing is, and this one I would say is probably the best one. Give yourself time limits and use timers. Okay. And using timers is my top ADHD hack for like everything, but you want to give yourself time to do some of these things. Okay? Because here's some coaches will tell you, you know, you just, you just don't overthink it. Just try not to overthink it, and I get it. Try not to overthink it would be very helpful. But we are over the curse. How do I change what my brain wants? And is like going to do when I'm not even paying attention? Right? Of course I can try to not overthink it. But what if instead of fighting against the like very prominent urge of overthinking and action of overthinking What if I just gave myself some time to overthink? What if I was still in control. And I love using this and I use this when my clients is you know, if you have a project that you need to do or something you're trying to problem solve, and it's actually causing you a lot of stress. Give yourself time in your day, like literally put on a timer or stopwatch, put it into your calendar and give yourself time to overthink it. So I'll say okay, I'm going to have 20 minutes to hash this out. And I'm going to think about how I'm going to do this, or whatever aspect that I'm already overthinking. Or I know that I may overthink, I will give myself time to overthink. And that way, I'm still in the control seat, it's so it's a controlled time where I'm going to say from this time to this time, I'm going to do all of the overthinking that I would usually do. And once that timer goes off, I'm done. I'm moving to the next thing. And I have found that that actually helps so much, because it still gives me time to do what my brain feels like he needs to do. Because sometimes, sometimes overthinking, and planning out is actually kind of good, right? Sometimes it is good because sometimes we do need to think about all the variables. What isn't good is staying stuck in a phase of overthinking or overthinking when you're trying to go to sleep or when you're trying to have a conversation with someone, those are not the moments to do it. So if you plan a time in your day to do it, then you can still stay in control. And your brain can still do what it feels like it needs to do. So that is my greatest tip for you guys for that. Or I'll have a time limit like okay, I'm going to gather info, do my research week one. After week one, we are starting to do some of the intro tasks and starting to take action. If you're listening to this take this to an apply to all the ADHD stuff. It's not about changing who we are, and trying to change our ADHD and fight with it and try to make it something that it's not. It's more so molding our life and our strategies to that. Of course some things can be improved and they can get better and maybe even eliminated. But when it comes to some things like you really just have to prepare for it. So I just tried to prepare for it. So third, decide what are things that are okay to be picky on and which are not okay to be picky on, for example, like, if I'm coming up with a new product and say a new course, if I'm coming up with a new course, a part of that is going to be the graphic for that course, like I need a little graphic, that's going to be the little promotional thing. And when I'm uploading to the course, it's going to be there, slide one, whatever, what I cannot allow is for me to be a perfectionist when it comes to like the font and the color of the graphic and all of that stuff. Of course, those things are important. But I'm not going to allow myself to spend four hours moving it here, moving it there, changing the font, changing the size, changing the color, because you know, you can spend so much time doing that without realizing that is one thing that I allocate little time to, I'm going to work on this for an hour, after an hour, if it's good, cool. If not, I'll give myself another hour another day. But I have to move on from this task. So pick which task which aspects of this project that you're kind of avoiding doing that you need to do, what are some things that you can and will allow to be detail oriented, and what are some that you should not. Because this really helps because there are things like for example, the curriculum or the delivery, making sure that it's it's easy to understand making sure that people get it, all of that that is a bit more important to me. So I'm going to allow myself to be detail oriented and to be a bit perfectionist in that area, because it's going to help serve the purpose of whoever is going to get it, it's going to make the product better now changing the font and the color of the graphic. That's not going to make the product better. Do you see where I'm coming here? So you want to allocate and say, Okay, I'm allowed to be a perfectionist and detail oriented when it comes to these tasks when it comes to these I'm not alright, so that I have found that it's really helpful. Okay, so those are my three tips for perfectionism. And I have a bit of a whole like little curriculum in this mastermind that I'm launching next month on perfectionism, because I have found that it's just such a big issue for ADHD years. I mean, it's been an issue for me my whole life. And it wasn't until I realized I had ADHD and then started getting really intentional about changing this and helping myself move past it, because it was really stopping me from growing my business, like really stopping me from growing my business. And it just caused a lot of burnout and depression even and just feeling like a failure, like, oh, I can't do this. Why can I get myself to do things? Right? So it wasn't until I started working on this and implemented some of these tips that I gave you guys, that I really started to see my business grow and it be easy, not like I had to pull my ears to get myself to do things. So So yeah, that's why I have a whole little section in my mastermind, which I will be launching next month. It'll be for five months, a mastermind. So I will have more details on that on my Instagram. So if you don't follow my Instagram, please go follow my Instagram because I have way more tips just like this. And other great info on there can find me at instagram.com/adhd female entrepreneurs or at ADHD, female entrepreneurs. So highly recommend that and if you're interested in the mastermind, I will have an application to apply for it, it is going to be a high level investment because you're going to be getting a lot but it's really going to take you from like kind of stuck on growing your business to fully thriving and easily scaling your business. Of course, you can count on your ADHD. Okay, but that's it. If not, I also have a membership for my low level offer. So I believe all of that information is in the show notes. But if you really loved this and you got a lot from this and you want more, those are the places where you can get more. Of course there's also the free Facebook group if you need something free for now something to hang out around other ad shares. We have lots of fun in the free group you can search for it ADHD female entrepreneurs community. Okay, I'm done. Sorry, how to get that out there because I know I get so many questions of people that say okay, how can I work with you for now? I only have my mastermind open that will be opening next month. Okay, sweet. All right. Well, I hope that was helpful. Please send me a message. Let me know if this was helpful what you got from it. That also helps lock it into your brain. So another ADHD hack for you guys. And hope to see you soon. Bye.
